So here's the goal. I want to spread my seed all across Europe before the end of the game. In other words the goal is to have as many major European leaders be of House Swinebreath as possible. I've chosen the 1066 start because I like it better than the earlier norse/pagan/bullshit start. Since I am a n00b I've decided to start out as a Duke in Ireland. So here you have it. I am Duke John Swinebreath, I am a Midas Touched, Wounded, Club Footed, Gluttonous, Patient, Gregarious, and Cruel man. I chose Connacht as my start because it was the prettiest piece of land in all of Ireland.
One of the problems starting out as a custom character is that now your entire council get's fired and now you have to rehire them all, bastards. I chose to be English, because Irish names are too fucking hard to pronounce, so everyone hates me. However with the help of the spawn a holy man button and using some of the already created characters we have a council.
Next order of business is to get John married. Browsing the potential spouses there is nothing particularly impressive available from a diplomatic point of view at this start. I guess I could have married either the English or the Norwegian princesses but having an alliance with England or Norway doesn't really do any good for me in 1066. What usually happens is Duke William the Bastard comes and beats the shit out of Norway and England and becomes King himself leaving me with no real alliances. I'm clumsy with my armies so I have no plans on pressing my future wife's English claim's as a single county Duke in Ireland. Plus none of these girls have an special traits to cancel out John's clubfootedness.
So I go to the character finder and browse and I find her. The one true wife. Her name is Onna and like John she is also gluttonous but more importantly she has the strong trait which is one of the best in the game. I immediately send Onna a marriage request while dancing around my desk, hurray! I found a strong girl, House Swinebreath will not die out in one generation.
Thankfully we sweep up Onna before any of the AI douchenozzles could get her first. Given the choice between earning 1 gold or improving John's horrendous prestige I take the prestige. Soon enough all goes as planned and Onna gives birth to our first Swinebreath baby, I dub thee Whillump, named after my pet rat. Whillump is well basic, unfortunately he didn't inherit his mother's strong trait but the good news is that he didn't get John's clubfoot either. Meanwhile my council is set to fabricate claims on Tyrconnell, gather taxes, train troops, steal tech from Rouen, and research cultural tech. Boring beginning of the game stuff.
Then out of nowhere some asshole appears in my court. Not only is he useless but he also hates me and will probably back an assassination plot against me. What the fuck Paradox? Whatever I matrilinely marry him off to some Italian courtier that is in fucking Italy and not Ireland.
I also gain a nickname Petty King John the Lame, how fantastic, personally I was hoping for "King John the Cruel" but whatever I'll take it. I like it when my character get's a nickname it's just fun. I guess John got his nickname because I gave him a clubfoot.
Years roll by and still nothing fantastical happens. We do have another son, who I name Nikolai after my former pet rat who died last year. RIP Nikolai you were the best pet ever. While waiting for my shitty chancellor to get his balls together and fabricate me a claim I hold feasts, fairs, and hunts, to improve King John's abysmal prestige. By the time Nikolai is born we are in the positive finally and my steward, a starting character who happens to be a genius, collects a nice tithe for me. Things are good here in Connacht.
And now might be a good time to address this. I was trying to add more names to culture file because in the past I've seen a count with two daughters both named 'Joan' which is ridiculous. Needless to say that I fucked up in my edit massively and somehow combined the Anglo-Saxon and English cultures added = as a name and fucking deleted the Anglo-Saxon culture altogether, as in when I go and look at Harold Godwinson it says, 'no culture' under his name. Oops. But never fear I'm not completely idiotic and I saved my original culture.txt file and I'll replace by the time Whillump takes over. For the meantime however it's is kind of hilarious that we have courtier named =. Lol I'm half tempted to marry her to one of my sons except that would be pointless.
Then finally! We have a claim my chancellor did his damn job. I do a little jig and hire a mercenary company and go takeover Tyrconnell, which is fairly easy because, well this is Ireland. In the mean time we welcome our first daughter who I name Stella after my sister's parakeet. She will be married off for an alliance since she didn't get the strong trait or anything else interesting to boot.
During the after party celebrating my victory in Tyrconnell I got rejected by a courtier. Why? Who would reject this handsome piece of man! Though never fear I give another courtier a good tumble and spawn a bastard... except my mistress's husband is duped into thinking it's his kid. Poor idiot. It's is noteworthy that Caterina, is the mother of baby =. Which I find hilarious.
I make friends with my son and heir Whillump! Yay at least this son won't assassinate me in my sleep. Next we have another legitimate child named Julienne, which is actually just the name that popped up since I ran out of pet names to give female kids. And go figure it's my daughter that gets the strong trait. God dammit. Oh well we are trying to spread the Swine so Julienne will probably get herself a matrilineal marriage. The birth of Julienne and the acquisition of Tyrconnell reminds me that oh shit we're on gavelkind succession and I have two sons. I hate gavelkind it splits your realm into stupid ass little pieces and you have to murder your siblings, uncles, cousins, and kinsmen to get your god damn lands back. However it is now 1076 ten years since we became King of Connacht so we can change the succession law. Unfortunately all my mayors and bishops hate me because I'm a gluttonous clubfooted cruel asshat. So I do the kingly thing and revoke all their shit so I can change my god damn succession law. I choose primogeniture. It's simple, not messy, and you always know who you're heir is going to be.
Time continues to tick and I spawn another bastard... this time it kills my mistress. Oops sorry honey, medieval midwifery is notoriously terrible don't worry, I'll arrange a nice marriage for little whats-her-face. More importantly I pick up a lifestyle trait, King John the Lame becomes a scholar, which is not what I thought he'd turn out to be at the start of this thing. Oh well no complaints here extra learning is just fine.
My wife, who is getting on in her years, produces another son who I name Winston... just because. However being the sack of shit that I am I remain unfaithful to her an soon take up another mistress, not long after my former mistress's death. However I seem to be doing a better job tutoring my children, my heir Whillump picks up the ambitious trait under my watch. Good job son I am proud of you.
I also betroth my eldest daughter to heir to the Holy Roman Empire. I don't know if he'll be helpful to me or not but hey you always want to be on the good side of the Holy Roman Empire. Plus it'll keep him and his massive army from joining in wars against me for the time being, you know on the off chance that Kaiser Heinrich decides to mess with petty Irish ducal wars.
Being the wonderful father that I am, I teach my heir Whillump how to be a cheating bastard just like me! And I spawn a third bastard, who will play no significant role in this thing. Finally Whillump comes of age and get the Midas Touched trait from me. Good boy he's done well. I decide to put Whillump's stewardship skills to the test I betroth him to a strong noble Italian girl about to come of age and then saddle him with the shit sack county of Tyrconnell. Normally this would be a stupid idea but Whillump is my friend remember, he would never do me wrong. Anyways I wanted to get rid of the annoying unlanded sons popup and I was hoping he might be able to convert the culture to English before I died and he took over the entire domain.
Somehow I become rivals with this little idiot child. What the hell is your problem? Your nine-years-old and I am your liege worship me you little shit or I will put you in shackles.
My second son comes of age and the only landed female I can marry him off to is a baroness. Well shit. I was hoping for at least countess but whatever he'll still be spreading the Swinebreath name far and wide in France. Baroness Mathilde is fugly play-dough creature but I'm sure he'll do his duty and produce lots of little barons and baronesses to spread the Swinebreath name.
My daughter Stella also comes of age and I tie her up and throw her in a boat bound for the Holy Roman Empire. Goodbye darling now go make a baby emperor who will be allied to our family for the next generation or two. What's that Germany is far away, you're only sixteen, and you don't want leave Ireland? Well too bad. It's medieval times here and you should be happy I made you such a good match. Without further ado Princess Stella leaves Ireland and marries Crown Prince Heinrich. She may hate me but one day she will be an empress and I can call her stupid husband into all my petty vassal wars in Ireland. Which he will probably reject but oh well at least I can dream.
Stella does her duty and produces a baby son named Heinrich and he is an imbecile. Oh well not my problem, though it'll be hilarious to watch if he ever becomes emperor. I see revolts galore if the little imbecile becomes emperor but that would be neat because usually that stupid Holy Roman Empire is impossible to destroy. If it's destroyed it'll be good news for the Swinebreath's because there will be tons of little weak ass states some hopefully ruled by women who my sons can marry and spread the House of Swinebreath. Speaking of which just when I thought we were done with children Onna births two late in life babies named Pepsi, because that's my drank, and Violet, because fuck, and the daughter is strong. Go figure only the girls get the good traits.
I also finally have enough money to buy mercenaries and press my de-jure ducal claim of Breifne which has existed since the beginning of the game. It's a quick little war and smash the child count's army and make him my vassal. He hates me but with a few feasts, a couple of gifts and some diplomacy I will coerce him into allowing me to educate his future heir to be English, and hopefully content.
And then it happens. Just after securing Breifne, King John dies due to an event I forgot to screencap where I had the option to go bang my wife. There was 20% chance of death and go figure John manages it. What I think really happened is that Onna got sick of his years of unfaithfulness and lured into the bedchamber where she then strangled him with the sheets. Anyways that's where things stand now. King John the Lame died at the age of forty during one of his sexcapades with the Queen. Next time we will continue the journey with King Whillump his as of now childless 20-something son. Will the Swinebreath's rule Europe? How does an otherwise healthy man die during sex? Will I remember to fix my stupid fucking culture file? Tune in next time and drop me a comment letting me know what you thought.
as a bonus. :( = died of poor health at 21. I did marry her to another courtier and they had children but she will be missed. Long live =.
Also I'm building a Swinebreath family tree so you can see what happens to your favorite characters. You can visit it here: http://swinebreathcrusaderkings.tribalpages.com
there might not be anything up as of this post but you can check back later.
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