Anyways we are King John the Just of Ireland. We are a brilliant character here. Midas Touched, Genius, Zealous, Just, Kind, Humble and Honest. The goal of the moment is to create the Empire of Britannia. I have never managed to do this, but with the luck of the Swinebreath's we'll take over Britain. I'm King John I of Ireland. I guess my grandfather Petty King John of Connacht wasn't important. I am currently married to Countess Hotdog of Faereyar and I have three children: Adelaide, Joan, and John. I am a much better person than my father so I will be eternally faithful to my beloved Hot-dog. Our children, except Joan, are just basic paradox pudding. We have two girls and a boy. The Succession is set to elective right now so I might just nominate my genius daughter as successor. In fact that is exactly what I do. Princess Joan will be our heir unless we live a long long life and Princess Joan's male children take precedence. It's 1128! God Dammit! Woman should be able to rule.
We have no real threats to our glorious green throne. Our Sister, Emma, died as a teenager and our brother Whillump is one our vassals. However he is a nice guy and as you will see we have a close brotherly bond. King John takes the ambition to improve his intrigue because it's pitiful. Lucky we're in Ireland or John would probably be six feet under right now.
A shot of my beloved brother Whillump and his Dutch dwarf wife. Father tried to switch from stewardship to diplomacy but failed miserably with Whillump. Bishop Arthur was a Grey Eminence but that fat bastard turned my brother into a gluttonous, shy, greedy, man. That's probably why father chose me, the younger brother, over him. Whiillump is a Swinebreath and as long as he behaves himself we'll have no problems.
The only important part of the world right now is Britannia. What? There are other cultures and religions doing cool stuff? I don't care. The bullshit that is the middle east is not important to the Swinebreath's quest for dominance. Maybe later on we'll mess around with that but right now we don't particularly care whether Jerusalem is ruled by a Jew, Muslim, or Christian. In fact it would be most amusing to me if a West African Pagan took over Jerusalem. My biggest concerns are centered on the Kingdoms of Norway and Scotland. As I mentioned last time somehow the Norwegians and the Normans intermarried and England exists as an independent Anglo-Norse state ruled by the heirs of both William the Conqueror and Harald Hadrade. My prudish celibate Aunt Julienne was supposed to stay on the Scottish throne for a little longer. However the stupid whore went and died not long after my father. Leaving fat ass King Malcolm to remarry and produce heirs. After all the work father did to try and destabilize the Scottish throne we will not let this rest.
While plotting to kill the the Scotch Queen I came across my father's prisoners.. Oh dear lord. They are all young-ish women that my father imprisoned while he was consolidating the odds and ends of Ireland. It is noteworthy that there are no male prisoners here... Oh dear perhaps Papa was a bit more cruel than we thought.
It seems that somewhere down the line I became a rival to my cousin Philip. Remember Philip? He was of one the minor Swinebreath branches of the family tree. My father tutored him to be a ridiculous asshole of a medieval man. We don't need rivals sitting in our court and Philip's a Swinebreath so we somehow marry off dear Cousin Phil to a hook nosed Italian Countess. He will be back though... Philip is a piece of shit who doesn't know his place.
I am somewhat different from my father, while he took a giant oak switch and beat the shit out of my sister Emma for stuttering, I am lazy so I just let idiot John to take his time. As we've said John is not our heir so it doesn't really matter if he can't form complete sentences. Joan is my pride and joy and my other children can fuck off.
Whilst ignoring my three young children I scout out dumbass title claimants. I'm not really strong enough to fight the Scotch-Norse-Anglo Blob but it would be nice to have an heir that has some claims to Scotch land. I despise the Scots and their hideous tartan skirts. With some luck I'll have them safely crushed under the girth of the Swinebreath empire before my death.
My wife spits out another genius daughter. Why Princess Isabella? Why couldn't you have balls! Unfortunately medieval sex-change surgery is non-existent. I will have to greedily stash away buckets and buckets of gold so that my brilliant daughters can rule Ireland and chop off the testicles of any vassals who have a problem with a female ruler. I'd kind of like to play as a female character. I am in real life a girl and underhanded dirty deeds of the few female rulers in medieval Europe interest me. In fact the first character I played was Eleanor of Aquitaine.
While waiting for my disappointing councilor to fabricate some claims on Wales, I find this... What the fuck is this? I was just curious how the pagans were doing but some how I ended up in the college of cardinals. I can't figure out what is what but I toss in 10 gold for Bishop Adumb. I've never paid much attention to the church, as long as they don't excommunicate me I don't care, but I guess this is probably only useful if you have land in Italy and want the Pope to be your BFF. The Vatican is far far away though and the Swinebreath's aren't particularly holy. So we probably won't be back here.
However I will continue my other relationships with the sacred men of this blessed church. They are all good men I'm sure. When was the last time you heard of anything bad being done by a priest?
Oh we had another daughter. She's not a genius like Joan and Isabella though so you will never hear about her again, barring complete and utter bullshit. I'm not sure what I'll do with little Constance but it won't be interesting.
Remember my cousin Philip? The rat bastard is still in Italy but that doesn't stop him from trying to kill me. I'm also concerned about the way my spymaster is addressing me. You're lucky I'm kind you obnoxious Jewish prig or I'd toss you in the dungeons like my father did with all those girls.
Next Time We Deal With Philip and his bullshit, then go on to conquer little chunks of Wales.
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